LIFE CHANGING MOMENTS
Recently I’ve been thinking about life moments that change the trajectory of your future. Moving to the US was one of those, but there was a moment as a 17 year old teen, almost 22 years ago, that has been coming to mind lately.
For those who know me, even just a little bit, you know I tend to run late. One evening, I was meeting a friend at the movies but I never made it. Instead, I ended up in a wreck on the side of the road.
Snippets of flashback memories are all I have of that night so no-one knows for sure why I ended up in the ditch. I told the first responders I was blinded by someone with their lights on high beam as I rounded the corner. I’m sure I was going fast. The police crash team investigated (these are their photos) but there was no conclusion reached and as I was the only one hurt, I wasn’t charged.
As well as giving me a physical recovery process, this moment kickstarted a spiritual journey of discovery. See, I’d been raised in a Christian home—my grandfather was a pastor—where I’d attended church my entire life. That is until I didn’t, about nine months prior to the accident. There were too many rules and I don’t like being controlled.
My walking away from church was my way to say no to an institution that wasn’t giving me life. I stopped calling myself a Christian — that label was reserved for people who followed the rules — and I chose to explore life through “fun" things like parties, drinking and boys. It was here, in my self-described non-Christian mess, that God showed up in my life in an undeniable way.
The first person on the scene of my accident was a head trauma nurse who attended my parents church. I hung upside down in my car as she administered first aid for half an hour until help arrived. The torn metal of my window frame missed one of the main arteries in my neck by mere millimeters, preventing potentially life draining blood loss. And despite the first responders — who unfortunately attend many of these wrecks — declaring that I had head and chest injuries and wasn’t expected to survive (to my mother of all people!), I did make it. I woke up in the hospital the next morning stitched back together and alive.
I often think about this moment of life or death. Why did I survive? Why are others’ lives not spared also? Or is that not the point? Why, in one of my messiest places, where I wasn’t following the rules and being a “good” girl, did Unconditional Love show up?
One memory I do have from that night is of a paramedic attending to me. As I looked up at her in her white uniform (from what I assume was the stretcher I was on), the light illuminating her blond hair, I asked, “Are you an angel?” Was eternity in my mind in that moment? Was I afraid?
I’ll never know. What I do know is my life wasn’t spared that night to go back to following a set of religious rules. Instead it was an invitation to know who and what love is.
It’s been a journey ever since.
A journey of learning who I am, learning who Jesus is and learning how to navigate the pain and the messiness of life and humanity. There have been many ups and so many downs. I’m learning it’s okay to make mistakes.
I’ve often held back from talking about faith, honestly, because I haven’t wanted to be judged. I don’t want people making assumptions about my values, the way I process life, who I do or don’t, could or could not love based on their own confirmation bias’. However, I’m realizing I have no control over what people think. It’s not my job to police my voice or my behavior to prevent judgement. I believe in love and speaking and acting in love and that has to be enough. I have no desire to be preachy — that’s not my style, nor do I enjoy being preached at (in the negative sense) myself — but I do want to be authentic in the way I express my thoughts.
So there will be more references to faith, to Jesus, to Unconditional Love, and various other names through which I relate to this Supreme Being called God. To exclude Him from my story would be like erasing a main character in a movie resulting in nothing quite making sense.
To each and every person reading this, thank you for what you do or have added to my life, whether this has been over my entire existence, a short time or somewhere in between. Every period of my life has been both fruitful and life-giving as well as providing an opportunity for personal growth. I’m grateful to know you all 🤍
I’m also looking forward to (hopefully!) being more consistent in my writing and thought sharing. Life is too short to live safe and not do the things we love. I love thinking deeply about life and sharing the things I’m thinking about. I welcome your thoughts and responses, as connection and conversation are a beautiful piece of life ✨
WHEN BIRTHDAYS AND THANKSGIVING COLLIDE
Yesterday was Thanksgiving in the United States and it also happened to be my birthday. “I hope you had a lovely day.” is the usual response when people find out. I wish I could truthfully answer, “Thanks, I had a GREAT day!” and leave it at that, but yesterday my reality was slightly different. So, here’s the long story…
Birthdays in our household start with a pancake breakfast. Normally cooked by me, the substitute chef was hubby on this occasion. I’d prepared the batter the night before but having run out of normal gluten-free flour, I added coconut flour to make up the difference. Any bakers reading this will already know the problem, and for those that don’t, it basically means the pancakes didn’t cook well because the texture is so different. We sorted the problem but delays meant I was late for work.
On the way to work, hubby called to say our son Ben, wouldn’t be going to school, his tummy was sore, could he drop him to me? Then five minutes before he dropped him at work, he rang again, this time to say Ben had vomited, wasn’t it a good thing he wasn’t at school!
Thankfully, my boss is also a mum and was happy for me to continue working from home. In between looking after my vomiting child and trying to get my work project completed, I had a bit of a laugh to myself at how my birthday was turning out.
By evening, hubby had returned, not feeling well himself and after a super busy day, had work deadlines that needed to be met that night. My planned movie night flew right out the window and in the end, we skipped the birthday dinner and bought takeaways. Neither of us were up for cooking. We did however, make sure we sang “Happy Birthday” and lit the candles on the (pre-bought from the supermarket) birthday cake, before putting it back in the fridge to eat when everyone was feeling better.
Ben finished the evening off for me by vomiting (for the first time ever in his life!), on the closed lid of the toilet, flooding the floor. Usually he’s pretty pro at vomiting – he had lots of practice as a baby!
So now you’ve heard my day, how would you expect me respond to, “I hope you had a nice day.” In truth, I did have a great day. But not for the obvious reasons – because there weren’t many. I had a great day because I chose to celebrate progress.
I’ve been learning a lot of late about the power we have to make our own choices. I’m a powerful person when I choose my response instead of allowing circumstances to dictate my reaction.
As I was driving Ben home, I reflected on last year’s birthday – which also didn’t go so well. Last year, I got grumpy and felt unloved and under-appreciated. I realised it happened that way, because I let it. This year didn’t have to be the same. I could choose my emotions and how I responded to the circumstances around me. And that became my personal victory.
Yesterday, I turned my birthday into Thanksgiving and chose to be thankful for my (usually) healthy family. I chose to be grateful for an understanding boss and a job where I can work from home. I chose to value the opportunity to demonstrate love and comfort to my son when he’s feeling sick. I set myself up to work outside to make the most of the sunshine, with my bare feet on the grass, breathing the fresh air – something that can’t be done while working in the office. I chose to be thankful for a husband who works hard for our family and his shareholders while still making time for me. I decided I was still going to watch a movie and snuggle on the sofa even while hubby typed away next to me. I chose to notice all the effort people put into my day to make me feel special and I chose to feel loved – because the truth is that I am. Yesterday, I said no to believing lies and yes to experiencing joy. I chose to be a powerful person and respond positively to my circumstances.
I share this with you to encourage you in your own journey. You are not alone in your struggle; we all have things that don’t come easy to us, things we feel we don't have power over. Yesterday, I won. Other days I haven’t. But I’ve learnt (finally!), my failures don’t determine my future if I don’t let them. They are opportunities to learn and keep moving forward. We can all choose to be powerful people. You have power to choose in the circumstances you face right now. You are a powerful person!
YOU'RE DOING GREAT!
You were born for greatness! When you were woven together in your mother’s womb, the ingredients for existence were poured into you and the plans and the purposes for your life were written into being.[1] You are not an accident. You are on this planet to do something that only you can do. But it takes time. Greatness is not an overnight thing. We have many things to contend with–in this thing called life–to help refine us, so we can contain the greatness we’ve been called to.
Recently I started reading through the Bible chronologically and have been struck by how many times the early biblical heroes messed up–and I’m only up to Jacob! They made some rookie mistakes–and then some of them, even made them again! But God kept His promises to His people and more than that, sometimes He even let them benefit from their sin[2]. I don’t pretend to understand that (and I’m definitely not condoning sin), but I realised (again!) God is God. I won’t always understand His ways; why certain things happen or what is to come in the future. But I do know He is El Shaddai, the God Almighty.
Like Abraham and Jacob, sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes we do the best we can in a moment and in any other moment we might do better. People can throw us curveballs, life can rock us and what we thought we understood can be turned completely on it’s head in an instant. Continuing to wait for something–whether it be circumstances in health, relationships or finances–to turn around, can wear us down.
It’s when we’re tired and confused that it’s easy to let the guard down around our heart and our mind. We can start to believe things that just aren’t true. When we’re tired, the battle is always harder.
So to everyone who is feeling tired, a bit worn out or unsure about where you’re at, I want to tell you that you’re doing great. Father God has seen your struggle, He’s right there in the midst of it with you, though you may not have been able to feel His Presence. I see Him gifting you a bouquet of flowers. The flowers are significant of what you need right now. To some I see Him whispering tender words of love in your ear, letting you know how special you are to Him. To others, He's releasing additional angels to protect you and your loved ones. To some, He’s calling out, drawing you in so you’ll pour out your heart to Him[3]; He’s longing to come to you as the Comforter. In all of this, you are not alone in your circumstances.
Lamentations 3:22-23 says, “How enduring is God’s loyal love; the Eternal has inexhaustible compassion. Here they are, every morning, new! Your faithfulness, God, is as broad [large from one side to the other][4]as the day.”[5] Every day we’re given the opportunity to start afresh; we are able to keep the dark clouds of yesterday from spoiling our blues skies of today. Walk in truth today, you’re doing great! Keep going!
[1] Psalm 139:13-16
[2] Abraham gaining flocks from lying about Sarah being his sister (Gen 12:16 & 13:2, Gen 14:20); Jacob deceiving his father and gaining the blessing over Esau (Gen 27:1-29); Jacob gaining large flocks from Laban by his deceptive breeding practices (Gen 30:25-40).
[3] Psalm 62:8
[4] http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/broad
[5] The Voice translation
PERMISSION TO CHANGE DIRECTION
You are not stuck; you have permission to change direction!
I wish someone had once said that to me. The saying goes, “The only constant thing in life is change.” That may be right, but it doesn’t make it any easier for certain personality types (one of which is mine!) Change is not easy for me. Understanding my boundaries and people’s expectations make me feel safe; I know what I’m dealing with. Plans are my allies; they work with me to achieve my future. They provide a framework that is the safety net for my mind. Unfortunately, these things can sometimes keep me stuck and restrict my potential because I fear free falling into the unknown.
I wish someone had once told me that it’s great to have plans and a framework for the future. And that it’s helpful to understand people’s expectations. But these are not restrictions to be tied to. Instead they are a reflection of how my Creator made me in order to outwork my purpose.
Proverbs 16:9 says, “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” This means we have dreams we want to see fulfilled and hopes we want to come to pass, but it the Lord himself who establishes us. We can try to make things happen in our own strength or we can stick rigidly to the way things were. Either is not God’s way. We must be willing to listen for the whisper of our Heavenly Father and to walk in step with the Holy Spirit who will guide us.
For me, to let go of things where other people are involved feels like failure. I feel like I’ve let people down and haven’t followed through on my word. Other times, it’s the fear of people’s perceptions, what I think they’re thinking, that keeps me stuck; I don’t want to look like I’m wavering to and fro.
But the truth is, life is dynamic. We constantly face change. It’s okay to have to adjust what we’re doing, in order to keep pace with what God is doing in our lives. At times, we have long periods where it feels like nothing is happening at all, but God is going ahead to prepare the way for us. Other times, so many adjustments are taking place, we feel like we’re lying on a chiropractor’s table. And sometimes, we just don’t like what is being asked of us. No one season is more virtuous than another. All are necessary because they teach us different things.
I’m here to tell you what I wish someone had told me. You have permission to change direction. You are not stuck in the past. You are not stuck in what happened to you. God’s purposes have not overtaken you and left you behind. You are in His loving hands and He is guiding you towards your future. Trust Him. He’s totally and utterly faithful. Listen for the whisper and when you hear it, be willing to move. He will establish you and it will be beyond your wildest dreams!
THE BEAUTY OF CHANGE
Have you ever had one of those moments where you’re really excited about your future and then suddenly, out of nowhere, you’re slammed with a million questions and your elation melts into an overwhelmed puddle?
Earlier this week I had one of those moments. I can’t wait for this year to happen, yet the practical reality of juggling multiple projects, managing my busy household and having to make a continuous stream of important decisions, took a toll on my mood. Needing unhurried time with my Creator, I decided to walk along the beach.
Orewa Beach is a three kilometer stretch of sand not far from where my children go to school, so that was my destination. Leaving my phone in the car, I started towards one end. As I walked, I found myself facing a familiar location; the place where the estuary meets the ocean at the end of the beach. There’s a strip of grass and a small sandy expanse. At low tide, you can walk around the rocks to another tiny, sandy bay. It’s a safe place, both practically because it’s small enough that I can keep my eye on all four children and the dog at the same time and psychologically because I know this place.
A lot of time has been spent at this little beach on the other side of the river, either on my own or with family. I've processed a lot of important decisions there. I know the concrete bunker where I've sat and journalled or just rested when I couldn't write. I know the plaque in the ground that says, “…Anna loved the beach.” And I know how far the rubbish bin is if it’s needed [insert smiley face emoticon]. The estuary was somewhere I gravitated to and often ended up when I needed time out.
But today, I wasn't there, I was standing opposite my familiar place. In a sense, it was if I had “crossed over”. I was no longer confined to the small patch of sand and grass that edged the estuary, I was on the beach where the sand stretched further than I could see and the ocean extended to the horizon. I was standing in a spacious place, free from restriction and it felt refreshing.
Yet, I realized that sometimes a spacious place can also feel overwhelming. It’s different; things are no longer familiar. It’s going to take time to learn and get familiar with the details of my new place. Decisions still need to be made in new seasons but I no longer have the comfort of the familiar to help guide those decisions. Thankfully, I have the ultimate help with the Spirit of Truth (John 16:13).
As I stood and looked, I had three potential views:
The endless stretch of sand ahead of me; it speaks of the future. I don’t know all that it holds and I can’t see beyond the corner but I can trust the One who holds my future. He is always good and the plans He has for me hold hope (Jeremiah 29:11). He is also my strength (Psalm 18:1) when life throws curve-balls.
The waves rolling in from the side; they speak of the present moment. I can stop looking forward, trying to figure everything out and I can take a breather to appreciate right where I am and the scenery around me. In every moment, there is something to be grateful for (1 Thessalonians 5:18).
The estuary behind me; this is my past. What lies behind is familiar because I've been there. I can enjoy the memories and appreciate the learning that’s contributed to my growth as a person. But if I want the ease of my “safe place”, it means I will have to leave the beach of my future to go and stand back on the sands of comfort; I can’t live in the past and have my future simultaneously. I must make a choice.
As the sand massaged my feet, the breeze lightly on my face as I breathed the salt air, I felt the weight of uncertainty gently lift off on my shoulders. It was exchanged for the beauty of this moment. The future is mine, I’m only required to take one step at a time. Each step I take is further along the beach and into what’s ahead. Every time I feel overwhelmed, I can stop and look out to the waves and be grateful for the good things in my life. And when nostalgic comfort comes knocking, I can be appreciative of what I've learnt, the people I've met and I can smile and continue taking walking up the beach.
MOVING PAST FEAR
It’s been a while since I last blogged, but with the entrance of a new year, comes a time of reflection. Last year [2014] held some amazingly high mountain top experiences and some devastatingly low valleys to traverse. It was a year for me of great change, both internally and circumstantially.
On Saturday the 6th of December 2014, I graduated with a diploma that took me ten years to complete. I started in 2004 BC (Before Children) and after one false start at finishing in 2008, I could proudly say in June 2014, I’d satisfied the academic requirements for a Diploma in Biblical Studies. That graduation day, as I looked down at my name printed in gold, I realised the diploma signified much more than the academic study I’d undertaken to receive it; what I had discovered about myself over this time period was invaluable. I learned:
I am not a quitter; I have it in me to complete what I start. It would have been much easier to leave my theological study unfinished, relegated to a time in my life when my aspirations were different and my time for education more available. To pick up study again, when my life was full with family and other obligations, demonstrates determination.
Life is a journey and each step is significant. I almost didn't attend my graduation ceremony, as my ultimate desire in academia is a bachelor’s degree. Somehow, a diploma seemed inferior. I realised, however, it’s important to celebrate each step along the way. Just because this particular moment is different to what I’d dreamed about or what I’m hoping for in the future, doesn't make it any less worthy of celebration.
Sometimes it’s best to keep the big picture in mind. I misread one of my assignments and consequently received the worst grade I ever had in my life! Sitting in stunned silence, the cogs eventually started turning again as I tried to figure a way out of this mess. Making mistakes is one thing this recovering perfectionist dislikes above all else! Ultimately though, I decided it would be more fruitful to leave it and make peace with what happened. Through that process, I learned the world doesn't end when I make a mistake. My blip on the academic radar didn't even feature as I graduated; it was eclipsed by the feeling of celebratory accomplishment.
Last year I wrote about my lack of identification with my last name. At graduation, as I looked at my certificate, my surname stood out to me. In light of the above, it dawned on me that my last name carries the essence of who I’m becoming. It denoted a choice when I married and every time my name is written or printed, it marks another choice I've made. In this instance, it was the choice to continue in study, to celebrate the small steps and to keep the big picture in mind.
As I ponder this I realise, that while I still mostly agree with my previous post, it was also the last line of defence in protecting myself. No one likes being wounded, least of all me. To purposefully hold something back of myself (even if it was a name that most people reading this blog already knew) gave me a feeling of maintaining control and keeping readers at a safe distance.
But if this blog is truly about wanting others to shine the light of who they are, truthfully giving themselves as a gift to the world, then I need to be doing that also. Vulnerability is scary but it’s essential to share the real me and it’s essential to sharing the real you. Last year I was inspired to live brave, this year I choose to actually do it. I choose to no longer hide as Anna Jane, but to move past fear and to be unapologetically who I am as Anna Jane Tomsett.
What fear do you need to move past so you can let the light of who you are shine?
LIVING BRAVE: A TRIBUTE TO A DEAR FRIEND
To a precious friend who knows how to be brave and love well.
Made by Design is about each of us being uniquely made as a gift to this world. My friend Kara is one of those gifts. I see her as a bright and sunny gerbera. She is beautiful and makes people feel included and valued. She is quick to help out and is incredibly loyal. She inspires creativity and strength. She is fun and brings a smile to your face. The list could go on.
I once had to apologize for being slightly unfiltered in something I’d said to her about a situation. What was her response? “That’s okay, I filtered it for you.” That one statement communicated to me, “I know you and I accept you”. That is the gift Kara is to me; she gives me permission to be me and covers over the missteps with grace. Kara loves well!
I last wrote about having freedom in being who you are, that takes bravery. It’s not easy to open up to the world and let it see us as we really are.
Like the open petals of the gerbera, Kara opens herself up full and wide as a gift to all those who are in her life. She lets us in. She inspires me to be braver in opening myself up, to be unapologetically who God made me to be.
Kara, you are a bright spark in my life. I value you. I love you.
FREEDOM IN BEING YOU
I watched Divergent in the weekend and I LOVED it! I’m not a fan of science fiction so I was pleasantly surprised. Throughout the movie are the themes of bravery, overcoming fears and conformity versus non-conformity. It was entertaining but it also got me thinking.
Before I share my thoughts though, here’s a quick synopsis: Tris (the lead character) lives in a world divided by factions based on virtues. When she comes of age she is required to choose where she will align herself for the rest of her life. This choice is supposed to be based on an aptitude test revealing which faction she’s most suited to. However, Tris learns through this test that she’s Divergent, a non-conformist and doesn’t fit nicely in any group. Still a choice has to be made and having been captivated by dauntless (the brave) as a child, she forsakes her parents and faction of birth for a people she feels is more like her.
How many of us feel that we have been boxed into a group about who we are? Or feel we need to conform to fit in? How many of us are tired of it and just want to be ourselves and still be accepted?
There is an overwhelming desire by people at the moment to be authentic and real, not as Brian Gardner of Unfiltered writes, “a staged version of [ourselves] that we tragically spend most of our time creating.”
Tris’ love interest in Divergent says, “I think we’ve made a mistake…we’ve started to put down the virtues of the other factions in the process of bolstering our own. I don’t want to do that. I want to be brave, and selfless, and smart, and kind, and honest [all of the factions].”
We need to engage in a journey of discovering who we really are underneath who we think we should be. We need to be able to embrace our uniqueness and recognise that who we are is a gift to the world. In doing that, we also need to recognise that others are doing the same; we don’t want to box them in or put them down to bolster ourselves but we want to accept them with love and grace acknowledging that they are on the same journey we are.
And like the Divergent quote, I want to be brave, and selfless, and smart, and kind, and honest. I want to soar on the freedom that being me brings, and I want you to be able to do the same.
A VALLEY OF DRY BONES
“Son of man, can these bones live?”[1]
How often do we travel through life when it feels dry and uninspiring? Maybe it’s not our whole life but areas of it. These areas lack freshness and instead of making us feel alive we drag our feet through each day hoping for change but not knowing how to bring it about.
God shows Ezekiel a valley of dry bones and asks him, “Can these bones live?” If I asked you about the dry areas of your life, can you see them coming to life? Do you have hope or is it best to bury the bones and move through the valley to greener pasture elsewhere?
This is what God says about those areas, “Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord...I will put breath in you, and you will come to life.”[2]
Our lives are designed to be lived fully alive in the Spirit of God. It is a lifelong journey of discovery and learning. Billy Corgan says, “I think a spiritual journey is not so much a journey of discovery. It’s a journey of recovery. It’s a journey of uncovering your own inner nature. It’s already there.”
I fully agree with this statement; I think it is very insightful. We are all made by design and throughout our life we learn more about our own design, the purpose we were designed for, our Creator and how it all fits together. It is not something that can be done in one moment of time; it is something to journey through for a lifetime.
As a recovering perfectionist and a lifetime learner of patience, I want my life to be inspiring and fruitful NOW! The expectations I have placed on myself in the past have been excruciating and too heavy to carry; I have been crushed under the weight of them. When I read verses like the ones above I thought it should be done instantaneously otherwise I am failing God and/or there is something wrong with me.
I am learning that yes, God has done the supernaturally fast work in my life but that doesn't necessarily make it a pattern for the future. Instead, I need to adjust the mind-set with which I approach my life. Can the dry parts of my life come to life with the breath of God? Yes! I know God can do it and wants to do it so I will continue to speak life into the dry areas so they might flourish.
Do you think God can breathe life into your dry areas?
[1] These words are taken from Ezekiel 37:3 in the Bible (New International Version)
[2] Ezekiel 37:4&6c
WHERE'S MY LAST NAME
You may have noticed that my last name is nowhere on this site. Despite blogging on the worldwide web, I am actually an extremely private person with some details of my life. I kind of felt that I had the potential of staying slightly hidden if I didn't use my surname (not of course from those who already know me).
The second, more important reason why I didn't use my surname though was as follows: When I wrote down the things that made me who I am, I realized that my married name was not one I was born with (obvious I know, but go with me).
Meanings of names are very important to me: Anna means “favor” or “grace” and Jane means “God is gracious”. God has been so incredibly gracious to me throughout my life so far and I'm working on receiving grace while also extending it to other; my names mean something to me. When I was writing down who I was, my married name just didn't seem to fit. I didn't connect with the meaning and I wasn't born with it. Instead of being a part of who I am, I see it as a reflection of the choice I made when I got married (which was a good choice by the way).
Just to be clear, I like my married name; it identifies me with my husband and my children. I just don’t identify with it as part of the essence of who I am. This may seem a little weird to some of you but I’m happy having it as one of my little idiosyncrasies! What little quirks do you have?