MOVING PAST FEAR
It’s been a while since I last blogged, but with the entrance of a new year, comes a time of reflection. Last year [2014] held some amazingly high mountain top experiences and some devastatingly low valleys to traverse. It was a year for me of great change, both internally and circumstantially.
On Saturday the 6th of December 2014, I graduated with a diploma that took me ten years to complete. I started in 2004 BC (Before Children) and after one false start at finishing in 2008, I could proudly say in June 2014, I’d satisfied the academic requirements for a Diploma in Biblical Studies. That graduation day, as I looked down at my name printed in gold, I realised the diploma signified much more than the academic study I’d undertaken to receive it; what I had discovered about myself over this time period was invaluable. I learned:
I am not a quitter; I have it in me to complete what I start. It would have been much easier to leave my theological study unfinished, relegated to a time in my life when my aspirations were different and my time for education more available. To pick up study again, when my life was full with family and other obligations, demonstrates determination.
Life is a journey and each step is significant. I almost didn't attend my graduation ceremony, as my ultimate desire in academia is a bachelor’s degree. Somehow, a diploma seemed inferior. I realised, however, it’s important to celebrate each step along the way. Just because this particular moment is different to what I’d dreamed about or what I’m hoping for in the future, doesn't make it any less worthy of celebration.
Sometimes it’s best to keep the big picture in mind. I misread one of my assignments and consequently received the worst grade I ever had in my life! Sitting in stunned silence, the cogs eventually started turning again as I tried to figure a way out of this mess. Making mistakes is one thing this recovering perfectionist dislikes above all else! Ultimately though, I decided it would be more fruitful to leave it and make peace with what happened. Through that process, I learned the world doesn't end when I make a mistake. My blip on the academic radar didn't even feature as I graduated; it was eclipsed by the feeling of celebratory accomplishment.
Last year I wrote about my lack of identification with my last name. At graduation, as I looked at my certificate, my surname stood out to me. In light of the above, it dawned on me that my last name carries the essence of who I’m becoming. It denoted a choice when I married and every time my name is written or printed, it marks another choice I've made. In this instance, it was the choice to continue in study, to celebrate the small steps and to keep the big picture in mind.
As I ponder this I realise, that while I still mostly agree with my previous post, it was also the last line of defence in protecting myself. No one likes being wounded, least of all me. To purposefully hold something back of myself (even if it was a name that most people reading this blog already knew) gave me a feeling of maintaining control and keeping readers at a safe distance.
But if this blog is truly about wanting others to shine the light of who they are, truthfully giving themselves as a gift to the world, then I need to be doing that also. Vulnerability is scary but it’s essential to share the real me and it’s essential to sharing the real you. Last year I was inspired to live brave, this year I choose to actually do it. I choose to no longer hide as Anna Jane, but to move past fear and to be unapologetically who I am as Anna Jane Tomsett.
What fear do you need to move past so you can let the light of who you are shine?